Luka Quest: Rise of the lich
by Holynightz
Summary: Luka becomes a great warrior. enduring powerful foes. and old memes on his quest.
1. Chapter 1-4

Chapter 1

Luka and lulu walk together on a beach, comfortable in their own heterosexuality. people stare at the 2 men, disgusted, afraid, perhaps enen curious. they ignore the voices, the whispers as they enjoy the long walk on the beach. until...the dreaded argument got started. luka and lulu were notorious shittalkers and refused to admit when they were wrong. suddenly. luka looks at lulu and says. "you know it's pronounced jif and not guhif right?" lulu stared at luka, probing deep within him. "no you idiot its spelled gif and jeeif you dumbass bitch." luka glared, "well i think its pronounced jif and im right so go fuck yourself." lulu seething with rage retorted "well you won't so I may as well, i might even like it more you skinny bitch ass homo" luka gasped "how dare you, i am super hetero. YOU'RE the homosexual, all seducing and shit. fucking gay boi" lulu sneered "talking mad shit for a little bitch" luka narrows his eyes and stepped back from lulu "then i guess this needs to end" he unsheathes his greatsword a mighty chunk of solid steel. lulu scoffed "that's not a knife...THIS is a knife" he unsheathes his katana he bought for 99.99 on eBay, made in nippon steel etched into the plastic handle. he suddenly disappears "heh nothing personal homo" he teleports behind luka. thrusting mightily into his back. only to be stopped by the photo album of Vladimir Putin all serbians carry, "My god protects me lulu, can you say the same" he slashes down on lulu, still shocked his thrust was stopped. a grinding noise is heard as lulus shirt is torn. revealing his Lugoslavic pride breastplate. luka gasps "a usurper from the fallen yugoslavian republic...you must die. for honor and glory. for Putin aaaasrrrgghhh" luka activates his berserker rage, and chases lulu, whose naruto run grants him bonus speed to dodge the slow greatsword. a flash, a suddenly thump. lulu dodges as a greatsword flies by his head. narrowly missing him. he ducks, his face barely missing the blade. 'wait. he threw his sword' lulu thought, as a dark shadow slams into his skull, a massive kick from a serbians steel toed boots, lulu staggers. falling. he reaches for his katana, but luka stomps on it. his strong cold iron boots bending the nippon steel like gaijin sheet metal. "impossibru" lulu shouts, "I WAS THE CHOSEN- HURRKK" he stops, a greatsword throbbing in his throat, it's massive size cutting off any chance of breathing. "it's...jif" luka snarls. he twists the greatsword. lulu gurgles. and melts into a blob of silvery fluid.

"a clone." luka muses. his clothes ragged, ripped physique shining with power "it appears my father is still alive.. and my brother" he grips his greatsword. A grand quest awaits.

Chapter 2

"FOOLISH CLONES LUKA CRUSH YOU" a thunderous roar echoes through the laboratory. lulu clones wielding small blades and syringes are torn apart by luka's Serbian fury. The laboratory. hidden domain of his father, former Yugoslav king, philosopher, philanthropist, alcohol creator, god of war...Josip Broz Tito. "ahahaha you fool. this laboratory was crafted from the finest metals. your rage is strong, but my lab is stronger..clones KILL HIM" Father screams. an army of clones charge luka, his raging form crushing them like watermelons between a hot womans thighs. luka finishes off the last clone and charges through the facility, searching for his father. he pants. growing tired from the constant rage. trail of salt behind him as he continuously rages. "FAAAATHEEEEEEER" He roars crashing through walls, destroying clones and innocent civilians in his rage. suddenly. he stops. a 7th sense (that means stronger than 6th sense) warning him of danger. he does a crazy backflip and dodges a red flash. he lands. drawing his greatsword as he peers at the newest enemy. "I AM DESIGNATION CR3B-K1NG PREPARE TO DIE FOR OUR LORD AND SAVIOR JOSIP." a gigantic black robed craboid stands before luka, clutching a giant black and silver scythe, covered in sharp edges and spikes. "my scythe, deathslayer shall reap your life and empower me." luka lowers his guard...the monologue will last a while "you see. i can consume souls. i will eat them and grant me more powerful abilities, i have consumed the soul of the great demon god of death and have become death incarnate. you cannot stop me for i am already the strongest. my demon eye will see through your attacks, i will consume your soul, your blood and your power. and i will be the strongest of all. nobody can beat me."

luka groans. the monologue never ending "it reminds me of the prophecy of when i was born. a great king would fall in battle while the other onesidedly destroyed his proven enemy. that one would survive the loser would die. and i am here to prove that the prophecy is in my favor and i shall destroy you. my scythe of power, my demon eyes. I SHALL DESTROY YOU PUNY HUMAN AND THE RISE OF THE CRAB ARMY WILL SPELL THE END OF DAYS. YOU FOOL I SHALL DESTROY...YOOOOOOU-ULLLKKK" "LUKA TIRED OF BORING EDGY MAN" luka pulls his sword from the crab kings body. it sways before falling. shell cracking to pieces. luka starts to walk away, when suddenly *bam. crash kaboom* luka whips around. the crab kings body explodes. revealing a small pink shrimp holding a gigantic scythe, "my name is montoya de naruto la ichigo you killed my father, prepare to die" the shrimp charges luka, small form betraying a great power. scythe slashing Lukas upper body, clothing torn. scratches bleeding. luka barely deflects the scythes movements. each cut and scrape raising his rage, until finally..."LUKA, FUCKING MAAAAAD" *BAM* a screeching noise. the scythe caught by the sword. the shrimp prince was knocked down by lukas sheer force.the heavy breathing animal like luka staring down at the poor little vulnerable shimp boy "w..w...why are you looking at me like that" the shimp stammers. trying to cover himself with his arms. "luka...smash" luka growls. "Aaaaiiiiiieeeee" the shrimp cries, crawling and running away crying luka grunts, spitting in the ground. he sees a door marked *do not enter luka* and kicks it down. revealing a large arena. his father, his brother waiting for him. they clap. "bravo luka, as i expected. you were truly the most powerful son i have had" his father laughs. "unfortunately you wouldn't be controlled. you didn't want to destroy, you wanted love. well..i love you son, now step into the death chair of dying. and kill yourself. its over son" luka draws his greatsword. "daddy, it's over uwu imma kill you like a bitch" he charges his father, easily cutting him down like an easily killed puppy. with the same motion he cuts down his brother dying like a small bitch. his brothers body bursts into green flames. and disappears. his dads body rapidly rots until its a pile of mush luka is startled. luka shouts in shock "my brother...an elder lich? he was behind this?? impossible" he girds himself. sheathing his sword. time to find a lich the next step on his grand quest.

Chapter 3

Luka trudged through the frozen wastes. His bulging muscles keeping him warm despite his lack of winter attire. far above him, atop the highest peak of the edgelord mountains lay a grand castle, elaborate use of strange runes etched into the mountain gave it an almost alien feel. He felt eyes glaring at him from afar. cowards always stayed away. afraid of what he could do. luka grunted drawing his sword as an arrow shot towards him, barely missing him he calmly walked towards where the arrow came from. more arrows fell upon him. he sidestepped. slashing arrows from the sky as he began to run. charging whoever was shooting the pathetic arrows at him. finally with a triumphant shout he crested a snowbank. his massive iron blade slamming into the figure who dared to use arrows against him. *clang* metal meets metal. the figure stands upright. A GOLEM?? a gigantic 12ft behemoth of steel and magic. it crushes his sword like a bitch crushes my heart. why did you leave me brenda. i loved you, you sadistic bitch oh god why, why didnt i listen to my mom. i knew you would take the kids. you took my dog. i loved that dog and you just took him from me, you fucking bitch you bitch brenda. fuck you.

luka awkwardly stood there, rage boner at half mast. unable to get release as he had been disarmed by the metal beast. his last vestiges of rational thought told him to run. and run he did "aahhhhhhhhhh nooo please no no no ahhhhh" frank cried, blubbering like a baby

the previous statement never happened. unfortunately our writer frank went through a nasty divorce and falsified some of the story...we apologize deeply.

Freshly disarmed Luka the barbarian grinned. FINALLY a worthy foe. he reached into the mysterious barbarian backpack built into his belt buckle. "clunky metal toy. meet your maker. behold my new weapon curved sword on stick" luka held up a scythe, freshly stolen from an unfortunate monster child" the metal golem ignores the barbarian as it lacks ears. slamming the ground and charging luka. sparks flash, as luka slashes the metal beast. leaving gouges in the monster. his scythe dulling with each movement. "hahaha YES a worthy foe. I SHALL MAKE SCRAP OUT OF YOU RAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHH" Luka ignited his bloodlust and began to rage. each strike stronger then the last. each shout louder, stronger. the machine felt no fatigue. the barbarian didn't care. he could beat up this fat egg later. momentarily distracted the golem lands a fish square to his chest. activate rocket punch SUBROUTINE the golem speaks. it's fist blowing steam as it launches forward. the sound of splintering ribs and painful screams echo as luka is launched 40ft away. the golem lumbered forward. intent on finishing the barbarian. and ensuring his death. scanning for hostile the golem lurched around tryung to find the wounded barbarian. it didnt even utter a beep as a scythe ripped up from under the snow. bisecting the golem. n.n.n.not l l llogicaaal eerreeeerrrooorererrrrr

the golem smashed into the ground. its control core smashed beyond recognition

a bright beam of light slams down on luka and a merry little jingle informs him that he has levelled up curing his wounds and making him stronger. or so the hallucinations told luka as he frantically tried to push ribs back into his chest so the blood would stop. unsuccessful. he drifted away into unconciousness

Chapter 4

Luka groaned, muscles ripping with power, glistening with sweat. he felt sick. he felt hot. he felt someone touching him. "NOOO" Luka shot out of the bed. knocking a woman to the floor. "LUKA want be wizard" he bellowed. protecting his womb broom from the succubus who tempted him. his eyes focused. not a succubus he noticed. but some phallic monster covered in tentacles. riding a tricycle. it stared at him. tongue waving in the air. it cackled "little barbarian. i saved you. nurtured you back to full health with my patented fairy dust. you owe me for this service" luka felt his face grow red. with rage. pure. throbbing anger. "LUKA WANNA BE WIZARD LEAVE LUKA ALONE" he cried. backing away from the wiggly moist monster. The monster reached out a single slimy tentacle..."that'll be about tree fiddy" it said. Luka blinked. wait. something was wrong. and it was about that time he noticed that it wasnt a phallic demon of lust at all. it was the god damn loch ness monster trying to get his money luka said "damn loch ness monster always want luka money." he pulled out his greatsword and thrust it into the loch ness monster. killing it instantly. Luka giggled. tree fiddy. freshly healed. Luka left the small house and trudged back into the frozen wastes. luckily and for plot reasons. this put him right in front of the liches castle. cutting out many hours of wasted animation.

Luka stood before a crowd of people. seated in desks. staring down at him. he glanced around Introduction of Gif design 101 he cleared his throat "welcome to my class. in the next 16 weeks I will teach you about how to create, edit, and publish Jifs" quickly. students started taking notes. luka looked around. "although this is only the first of many classes you will take I hope that everyone enjoys my class, and is capable of learning from me." luka moved over to a smartpad and began drawing, completing frames for his gif very quickly. and with expert motions. very quickly, a detailed gif of a large furry creature jacking himself off started to form. luka swallowed some spit as he heard gasps from the desks. "my class is art, I produce art. dont try to shame me for my fetish normies" luka screeched foolish normie scum should go die he thought, as he sculpted the tigers penis with deft motions. suddenly he stopped. wait...wasnt he doing something. the students glared. "don't stop, stay with us forever" they droned, staring at him, angrily.

"Foul magic, luka will destroy you" luka jumped. his rage causing him to burst out of the suit he just realized he was wearing. his iPad held like a weapon. the students swarmed him, he attacked, his flimsy weapon breaking on the first neck. fools. their apple products failed him. he tried to run, but the vegan empowered humans caught up to him, dragging him to the ground amidst snarling and inhaler usage.

"NOOOOOOOOO" luka screamed. waking up. before him stood a door, in his hand, the broken greatsword. he was still in the entranceway.

"greetings again barbarian" the door droned. "dare you attempt my riddle again? what jumps and hops and likes to bounce covered in fur and eats carrots" luka glared, his brain faintly steaming. this foul magical door gave him the most difficult riddle of his life. he cursed inwardly as he tried counting on his fingers. maybe it was a number. he growled in anger. "evil door tell luka answer or luka smash door like Lukas future wife" the door was silent. awaiting an answer to the riddle.

"aaaaaagghhhhh" luka roared..."is answer...bouncy ball?" "INCORRECT DUMBASS. 2 MORE TRIES AHAHAAHAHA"

A vein throbbed in lukas temple this door was impenetrable not a single hole to explore in it. his rage finally reached its peak "FOUL MAGICAL FUCKING DOOR. NO MORE TRICKS, NO MORE RABBITS FROM YOUR HAT I KILL YOU DOOR AHRLALRHSHARHHHHH" he screamed. charging the door sword drawn and ready "correct" the door said, swinging open and slamming into luka, knocking the rage out of him "you may enter". luka snorted, then walked through the door "thats what luka thought, puny weak door scared" the doors slammed behind him, lights suddenly turned on. revealing...

HIS DEFEATED BROTHER, sipping a cup of tea quietly. "ah luka good to see you. good to see you again, please take a seat and let's talk" luka glared, ignoring the seat offered. "no. I luka von baron da montoya de la cruz tito shall destroy you, and all the relics of the past lugoslavic country. prepare to die in the name of the great barbarian king Vladimir Putin.

"he jumped forward, sword smashing down onto his brother, who didnt even dodge. the blade cleaved his body in two. shattering into pieces from the attack. luka held his hilt. fondly remembering all of the things it helped him penetrate in his life. "farewell brother, perhaps in the next life you will bow to the god king Vladimir Putin." luka turned to leave. confident he had slain the undead lich...that...he just..."oh putin fuck me" he spat. whirling as his brothers corpse arose. shedding its skin and revealing the infernal bones of the lich "Ahahaha you fool, killing a lich with a sword. looks like you get to die instead of me." the lich clapped its bony hands. shattering the air like glass and magical bolts of energy flew through the air. luka dodged, rolling out of the way. multiple bolts of energy arcing off the walls. "dodge this" the lich screamed. a white ball of energy shooting from his hand. luka stood. frozen. his eyes widened. a voice whispered in his ears "yo man wanna see my mixtape?" wrong voice, the nerdy one, "hit the ball back at him." luka gasped, gripping his shaft with both hands and he wound up, his veins throbbed. his mouth opened wide. "OOOOOOOOOOO" He shouted. swinging his shaft firmly into the ball, it made a slapping noise and the ball bounced off. the lich had no time to react before the white ball busted all over his face, exploding. and causing the lich to stagger. "YOU FOOL. KEEP RESISTING AND I WILL KILL YOU HARDER" the lich threw a second ball, stronger. larger. whiter than before. lukas eyes bulged out of his head. it's so big, he couldnt possibly do it. but he resolved himself. no..he must do this he gripped his shaft harder. gripping it eith both hands. it was stsrting to feel soft. the energy making the hilt soften and melt. soon it wouldn't be hard. he had to finish the lich fast. "OOOOOOoooooo" he moaned. softening tool vibrating in his hands, massive load of energy trying to bust all over his face. with a cracking sound. the ball was repelled. white stuff blasting the lich head over heels. "ha...hahaa good. brother. very good. time...time to go all out. take my load. TAKE IT ALLLLLLL" The lich unleashed his final load, trembling with the strain. the final load. the largest he had ever blasted on someone. as he threw it. he sighed. so...so much. luka paled. his hilt a soft mess in his hands, afraid of this massive load coming on him. 'I...i can't do this' luka thought. oh god help me. he cried. he clenched tight, preparing to take the biggest load of his life. he raised his soft tool. futility etched on his face as he shook, feeling fear for the first time in his life. he closed his eyes. "my child. you have given up. but I can show you the way" lukas eyes sprang open. he was being embraced from behind. his bare muscles quivering from excitement as he heard the voice. rugged arms reached around him. grabbing his shaft firmly. "focus child, when you need to give it a boost. you have to believe" a vibrant light entered his shaft, strengthening it. hardening it. it stood. straight. fully powered as he prepared to take the orb. "you must penetrate it, harder than you have ever thrusted before. i believe in you...comrade" the voice faded. the arms disappeared. but its might stayed. his heart pounded. he almost strayed. luckily his god king. his lord. savior and president, Vladimir Putin had arrived to save him. he grinned. face scrunched up, mouth open. "OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...HNNNNNNNNNNNG...OOOOH GOOOOD YEEEEEEEEE" he moaned, he screamed. body vibrating, shaking as his shaft began to penetrate the orb. the divine power of Russia permeating his body. "im...impossible" the lugoslavic lich screamed "TOO MUCH POWER NOOOOO" the ball. reflected, began to vibrate. as it splashed agsinst the lich, engulfing him in its white stuff before exploding. leaving a crater and no sign of the lich. the sword hilt crumbled from Lukas hands. and he stumbled. the castle began to break down, the power from the lich no longer sustaining it. he lurched, stumbling from the castle. as he stands before the fallen castle. he looks to the sunrise...his quest is complete.


	2. Chapter 5

CHAPTER 5

The hounds barked, closing in. torchlight lit up the dense forest metal glinted in the torchlight. an unruly mob ran through the forest. angrily screaming. a man stood against a cliff. certain death awaited below.

"yer not gunna escape this time boy." the most redneck sounding man said pitchforks raised. the mob moved in. preparing to kill the man. with a roar the man jumped off the cliff.

he screamed as he fell. wondering what happened to make this happen.

the body fell. eyes wipe open. he looks over at the camera.

"hey, you may be wondering how i ended up in this situation. and frankly it's pretty ridiculous. it all started about 2 hours ago"

flashback time

*gobble gobble grunt gobble snarf scarf.* the innkeep stood. stiff as a statue, stuck in awe of this man. who came in. and ordered everything. who knew that

"MOOOOOOOAR" luka snarled. whole turkey shoved in his mouth, "NO SALADS, MORE MEAT" he bellowed

hundreds of lbs or meat disappearing like only a starved barbarian could. "luka full," he burped. the innkeeper and other patrons stared. just how much could this absolute unit eat. luka stood, insides sloshing with ale, meat, and more ale. he stumbled upstairs and entered his room. being careful not to mess up anything as he flopped onto the bed. his empty scabbard dug into his back. "luka manly not dairy log 24, still can't find weapon manly and strong like me. only puny weapons for babys and womenfolk. will go check other towns meat good, man tried giving luka salad so luka killed him with fists. was good day.

luka sighed, dropping his not so womanly diary journal onto the floor, the pink unicorns only accenting its manliness. he drifted away. sleepy from ale and meat.

*urgh...huff...uhh...hmmm*

Luka heard noises. he awoke to see men tying him to the bed. "I, Luka, the barbarian, demand to know what the barbafuck is going on."

"damnit jimbo i told you we shoulda spiked it harder"

3 men stood staring at luka.

the second man slapped the first GAWD DAMN IT LEEROY. now he knows my name dumbass.

ignoring his companions the third man leaned down into Lukas face.

"ya see boy, this here village you have stumbled in. it's not a village. its a township. a township of family. my family, and all my cousin uncles. and my uncle cousins live here. my sister mom told us you were a threat and so we decided to get rid of you. no hard feelings"

luka was perplexed. what was an uncle cousin. why was it different than a cousin uncle. . . no focus luka

"release luka and you live, dont. and luka kill you all"

"aww shut up boy" a fourth voice from out of view, and suddenly luka saw stare and fell asleep.

once again luka woke up. but this time he felt different. his head hurt. and he felt chilly.

luka felt cold

WHERE WAS LUKAS LOINCLOTH

"uh oh, goooood morning princess."

luka wiggled, he was thrown over a log, hands tied, legs tied, but he maneuvered. he saw the three naked men from before.

wait

"Why you naked, put clothes on you savages" luka snorted "you get cold that way, Luka know"

the men looked at him, giggling like hyenas.

"well we cant toss your salad with clothes on right?"

"luka...luka no like salad"

"no no, you see. we're gonna pack some fudge"

"luka dont want chocolate"

"we're gonna dance the chocolate cha cha"

"luka dont wanna dance"

"we're gonna take turns riding down the Hershey highway"

"but luka dont want chocolate roads?"

"wow this boys dense...ya see boy imma take my womb broom, and flesh out your corn hole by having sweet dookie sex with ya"

"...luka...confused"

"well god fucking damnit christ almighty fuck me in the ass and call me a queer...im gonna fuck your asshole boy and make you squeeeeal like a pig."

Luka stared

the men stared

the forest was quiet

Luka opened his mouth

"you...want to sheathe yourself into Lukas scabbard??"

"now the boys getting it"

one of the men reached out, pouring something cold on Lukas tightening barbarian ass. gently caressing it.

Luka started to sweat. cold liquid dripping off his ass.

it was time to make like Lukas dad, abd never come back

luka flexed, his muscles bulged, the ropes were ripped to pieces like a black kids dream to meet his dad.

Luka jumped up, naked rednecks knocked back from his sheer power.

luka located his loincloth, and put his clothes on. the naked redneck got up, each dousing themselves in lube.

"alright guys, let's show this boy how to loosen up"

luka dodged the punches thrown, countering with his own. they slipped off. the lube making everything slippy

Luka tried to grapple, but they slipped out, naked bodies mocking him.

"LUKA HAVE NO TIME FOR YOU"

luka roared. his rage empowering his body, he started to pummel a lube covered man. and at first the lube resisted, but eventually the friction from his fists wore the lube out, and luka finally grabbed the man, gripping his throat with both hands and he twisted. turning the naked man into a beyblade as his dead body spun into his friends.

"HE KILLED JIMBO CALL MOMA AND GET THE GUNS"

luka took the hint, and like an altar boy being stared at by a priest, he got the fuck out of there.

he ran through the forest. and he could hear the voices. redneck twangs echoes. banjos. the sounds of banjos meant they were coming. he heard dogs barking. tracking the strawberry lube that luka was covered in. he darted past search parties, and thought he was safe. luka came across a sign

turn left for safety, turn right for devil's inflamed asshole attraction

*luka thought hard, why would this sign tell the truth, it must be a trick. and luka didnt want to get in the devils butthole, not today anyway.*

Luka turned right, knowing the left was a trap. the sound of banjos faded. and luka cheered, junping over a gate and stopping abruptly. oh

oh no

THAT SIGN LIED TO LUKA

LUKA MAD

LUKA SO MAAAAAD

Luka stood on a cliff, peering down a pit, seemingly endless. a foul stench came out of it. it faintly glowed red.

*the sounds of banjos suddenly appears*

"hahaha we got him slim jim"

"thats right jim slim"

luka turned. he was surrounded by rednecks. mostly naked ones. with clubs and guns

"you aint gonna escape this time...boy"

luka took a deep breath. luka aint gonna be defiled by rednecks, luka saving himself for his queen. once luka finds queen..

luka turned to the rednecks

"LUKA GONNA GO IN DEVILS ASSHOLE AND WILL BE BACK TO KILL REDNECKS"

Luka jumped into the hole, into its red moist depths below.


	3. Chapter 6

The ground shook, screams of torment echoed from all around. luka slowly opened his eyes. far above he saw a small light too far to get out of this hole. He dusted his loincloth. and stood up, his hands gripping a rock as an improvised weapon. he looked around. he was in a stranstrange building. similar to a cathedral but darker, more menacing. grunting screams reminded him of the danger as he looked around. a strange beast, humanlike but horrific to look at slowly stumbled towards luka. luka took a deep breath, preparing to unleash his homelands se ret weapon against monsters.

"PUTIN FUCK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU" Luka screamed. terror flashing from his eyes. "oh god, luka gonna throw up, luka gonna puke" the monster. attacked by yhe tirade of mean words tried to remind itself thst sticks and rocks and words dont hurt but something. or other. the monster charged its battle cry echoed around the ruined halls of the cathedral..."uwu uwu uwuuuuuu" the monster cried. luka twitched, "NO MIND TRICKS WORK ON LUKA. LUKA...HIT YOU" luka dropped the rock down onto the monsters strange bubbled skin. it exploded on impact, blood and gore splashed over luka. his muscles flexed and the blood exploded off his body, repelled by sheer manliness.

he inspected the corpse. it looked like some sort of spider, baby, monster, thingy. with toes on its legs and it leaked a curious white fluid. it was sticky so luka left it alone. luka left the body, and stsrted to explore. 'surely somebody came through here.' luka thought. he walked for days, for months, for an entire sentence. he arrived at a wall. a door of shining gold blocked his way. a massive keyhole waiting for him to get it open.

"prepare self door. luka want inside you."

luka ran into the door, thrusting his fist all the way up inside the keyhole. he twisted his hand. trying to grip anything in the well oiled hole. he grunted. and twisted the door until with a scteeching noise the door came

off its hinges and allowed hin access into the room.

an altar laid before him, a massive sword chained to the altar, it looked strong, it looked magnificent. it looked like something easy to steal.

luka charged the altar. and took the sword. it resisted, trying to keep the sword inside it. he pulled, and the massive sword theobbed in his hands. it felt right. like it was going to teach him stuff. stuff nobody could teach luka. like proper body oil methods. and how sex worked.

sword in hand luka left the room, wandering the cathedral and looking for a way out. he spotted a man in a trenchcoat next to a typewriter. "welcome" the man said. e posing himself to luka, his arms covered in weapons and supplies. he grabbed a little doll off the coat. it was a strange boyish doll with moveable parts and when luka pulled the pants down a little, appeared to be a boy. "Luka want small man" he grunted, giving it a tiny sword accessory he gave a single barbarian giggle as he put a tiny helmet on him. "Luka call you...Jimothy"

the trench coat man stared at luka

luka stared back

the man opened his mouth "its gonna be about tree fiddy"

and it was at that moment that luka realized that it wasnt a salesman of various goods at all but was 8 stories tall and a crustacean from the paleozoic era. luka glared at the monster and yelled "god damn loch ness monster leave luka alone." he stabbed the monster, and it reeled, falling over with a grunting noise and it started crying, blubbering for $3.50

luka felt bad, and dropped a dollar down for the loch ness monster before turning and leaving. when he turned. the monster was gone. luka grinned. set his new barbarian looking bjd on his shoulder and began marching towards a random direction.

he would eventually find a way out, and jimothy would help him.

far away a man gripping something white and long licked his lips and he gently stroked it. soon.


	4. Chapter 7

Luka stalked the halls monstrocities falling by his blade, the quivering flesh of the weak ugly monsters cleaving like jello made of ugly. luka had long emptied his stomach of all food, each monster uglier then the last. jimothy sat on lukas shoulder, tiny loincloth painstakingly made by him when he took a break. jimothy didnt talk. but it made luka feel better anyway. and luka doesnt have to worry about lukas mom taking him from him. and luka likes dolls, "and mommy cant stop me uwuuu." luka screamed. suddenly aware he wasnt thinking it, but actually yelling out loud while the poor misersble creatures laughed at him.

luka shook, his body a quiver with raw emotion. he forced the tears down as he killed all the monsters who dared look at him. he tripped, slaghetti falling out of his loincloth as he screeched "reeeeeeeee" he tried pushing the spaghetti back in but ended up making a bigger mess. luka ran away with jimothy. the shame etched in every feature.

the next morming luka awoke. changed his loincloth and descended ever deeper in the dreaded halls. luka once again looked up at the words etched into every corner of every hallway. "hidden hills elementary school" luka sighed. who knew such monsters could survive in a place like this. he sighed again wishing he was in silent hill instead.

Luka opened a door to the gym slowly. in the center of the room there was a strange mass of flesh. it seemed to be eating a black mass of flesh and absorbing it.

Lukas eyes bulged, and he gasped in horror covering jimothys eyes. "WHAT IN THE NAME OF JOSIP TITO ARE YOU DOING" The monster screeched. uncoiling itself from the black monster as it wiped its mouth on its horrendous claws. "blow job make famous. foolish serbian, you will never escape without following me on twitter'" the black monster tried to move, its emeciated body trying to kill itself a drained blob. The monstrous mass of flesh rose up, its body revesling the body of a dreaded beast. "what in putins fuck are you" luka cried. bile rising in his throat once again. The monster turned, its claws moving a strand of hair behinds its head. "I am kim Kardashian. im famous and my favorite flavor of popsicle is DICK" Suddenly it swiped with its claws. cutting a line across lukas chiseled rock hard abs. luckily luka had remembered to oil up and the damage was minimalized. luka grinned. setting jimothy down. and handing him a tiny sword. Luka drew his blade, fully erect. throbbing for murder. "LUKA WILL RELEASE HIMSELF ON YOU FOUL BEAST" luka charged the massive flesh pile "ooooooooooaaaaaaahhhhhhh" he screamed thrusting deep into Kims throbbing quivering easily yielding flesh.

"yayayayayayaaaaaa" kim made a fucking weird noise. "little boy ive had longer. harder. and stronger men thrust inside me. your puny blade cant even arouse me anymore"

luka paused. impossible. immune to his massive sword? it must be some sort of mental attack. luka scowled...a mental attack is it. luka looked up at kim. "Luka sword massive. LUKA SWORD, STRONG LUKA SWORD SUPER POWWRFUL. LUKA WILL SHOW YOU WHO PUNY." Luka chopped hard, flaying the flesh from the disgusting wretch. he twirled his blade around. its throbbing hardness penetrating her once. twice. three times. with no signs of stopping soon. luka grunted as the thrusted. attempting to get deeper each time. "Luka,...SHOW...yooooouuuuu" he panted hard. crying out as he thrusted as hard as he could. the blades tip broke off inside, and luka felt an explosion building. "OH PUTIN FUCK YEAAAAH" Luka recognized thr energy, his lord and savior vladimir putin had once again lent him power. to defeat his enemy. the monster writhed and tried to move, but the black one held her down. dead eyes locked on her firmly. Luka gripped harder than he ever had before. the sword exploded, white powerful energy leaking out of kim as it filled her up. luka screamed, raw emotion causing him to tear up. "AAAAAAAAAAA" He screamed sword falling to pieces in his hands. luka closed his eyes, passing out from the strain as the world turned white...

luka woke up, his whole body ached, he slowly got to his feet. observing the damages he caused.

"nice" luka said as he saw the monster was dead. burnt, crumbling and looking like a deflated balloon. "luka admit, kim sucked luka dry" luka staggered over to jimothy, who luckily had been spared the aftermath of lukas sword exploding and filling the monster with pure putin power luka pretended to smoke a cigarette "luka need a smoke after that"

Luka gathered jimmothy and noticed jimmothy was sitting on a sword. "thanks jimmothy for bringing luka more weapons" luka strapped the weapon to his back and noticed a trapdoor he hadnt noticed. luka pried it open. and jumped down into the dank depths below. soon, luka would know what he was doing. soon luka would know where this would go.

meanwhile a man making a jingling noise giggled to himself stroking a white thing he held in his hands. "soon luka, soon we shall meet.

Luka fell down the ladder. "fuuuuuck" he yelled, voice failing as he dropped down the last step and landed on his ass. "stupid ladder, stupid door traps. stupid"

he wandered around where he fell, ornate masonry betrayed an ancient feel. no longer did he appear to be in some hellhole of horrors and flesh. but a large arena. in the center stood a creature not of the natural world. it stared at luka, as it stood in the light.

luka wouldve vomited if he had any left. the creature appeared as a man dressed like a woman. but his her...its features were smashed together. a manly woman, a monster of a man. as he watched its body shifted again. looking different by the moment. shifting flesh mesmerized luka "what...what in the holy church of putin are you" lukas voice quivered slightly not from fear, but from disgust.

the creature lifted a sword and charged luka. "BUCKLE UP BUCKAROOOO" It screeched. attacking luka with an almost humanlike stance. luka parried the strike the creatures manly physique causing luka to stagger slightly. "luka. thinks you a man" the beast lurched. form shifting into a large man in a wig "ITS...MA'AM" It bellowed, minotaur like strength slamming swords with luka. pushing luka back. they exchanged blows with each other, dodging parrying and blocking strikes. luka feinted and stabbed the changeling and it dropped into a pile of goo. "luka...kill strange beast?" luka cleaned his blade and backed away. the goo pile reformed into its normal form. "FOUL BEAST LUKA WILL END YOU" Luka engaged rage mode, and started to attack in a rapid frenzy of attacks, slicing and dicing the monster into a pile of goo. which promptly started reforming. luka wasnt worried "LUKA SMASH HARDER" HE SLICED. DICED, SLAPPED, CHOPPED. until the goo pile stopped moving. luka dropped to the floor. sweat staining his loincloth. "why...why was he...so strange" luka gathered himself up. jimmothy on his shoulder luka left the ooze puddle and left the room, through a staircase going down. in his hands a sword.

the man stared at the goo pile, mildly shocked. who knew he had such power he mused. the puddle formed a face, "p..please master, save me." a foot stomped down. firmly crushing the ooze pathetic fool...he was given such power, and he squandered it and even failed him. He laughed into the darkness as he followed luka. Soon he thought.


	5. Chapter 8

Luka moaned and groaned. wiggling on the ground as his muscles tensed up, futile resistence as he felt his entire body beginning to submit "nooooo" he cried, as he stopped moving. gathering his remaining strength luka tensed up and roared out "DADDY"

Luka sat up straight. awakened from his slumber. "a dream...a bad mean one" luka mused, sweat dripping slowly from his eyes. he wiped away the sweat. and got to his feet. reaching for junior he realized he wasnt sitting there. "jimmothy?" luka called. trying to find his little man. "luka no have time for this" he growled. searching the small closet for the barbarian doll. he shrugged. preparing himself to come out of the closet. the night before wounded and weary he had stumbled upon this closet. stocked with a small bed and food. assuming control over it luka claimed the closet. and hid within it. deep within the closet. and now his only friend. was missing.

without pausing any longer luka slammed the closet door open. he finally stepped out. coming out of the closet on his terms. everyone is proud of luka coming out of the closet.

luka searched the immediate area. "jimmothy" he yelled. dashing around the area. sword at the ready. "tell luka if hot or cold".

"IS LUKA HOT OR COLD"

he charged around aimlessly. slaying strange monsters like a million cookies in front of a fat mans mouth. or a million cocks in front of a one dollar whore. until finally...he found jimmothy.

A roar of pain echoed throughout the halls. luka slow motion ran towards Jimmothy. propped on top or a ladder leading down. "NOOOOO MY BOY" Luka let out a heart wrenching cry as he saw his boy, his body, previously immaculate, and now crushed. and mangled. only his head remained. the rest. a pile of shredded plastics and rubber. a note laid with jimmothy. a simple message scrawled on it. "luka, come down and fight me, I tire of waiting." luka shook. his fingers numb as he dropped the note. "why" he whispered " why this happen". he curled his hands into fists. someone would pay dearly for this. luka knelt to the floor. grabbing jimmothys head, as he dug a little hole in the cobblestone and buried his favorite son. "luka promise. rampage, for revenge" he tenderly touched the grave. and then wiping away more eye sweat he jumped down the hole. knowing that gravity knew better than to hurt him

luka landed heavily. a dark arena. a single torch lit above providing light. dark stone all around. he stood straight. drawing his sword. "luka here. come out coward" he sneered into the darkness. torches started to come to life all around him. the stands above the arena empty. but a sense of danger kept him alert. across the arena a figure appeared.

"ahh...finally...we meet at last." the figure spoke.

"shut up, why did you kill jimmothy" luka snarled, sword raised.

"ahh. luka the barbarian i've wanted to meet you for so long." the voice gently said.

luka gripped his sword. nails digging into his palms. sweat dripped. his muscles bulged with power. he calmed himself, preparing his words carefully

"what do you want with Luka" he asked

the figure giggled madly. an arm raised and ripped off the cloak.

"WHATS WHAT WITH WANTING TO MEET MY FATHER" The figure screamed.

"what?" luka asked. confused.

"yes. ask what, it is I...your loving son." the figured said. stepping into the light properly.

red hair flambouyantly bouncing in the light, shit eating grin firmly plastered on his face.

"Luka a virgin, luka wanna be wizard" luka denied. aware he had bo children.

"you say that now. but dont you remember, that time you went to the bathroom and a nice lady offered you some candy. and you woke up in a bed?"

"no..." luka gasped

"YES. that was my mother. you ruined her career when she got pregnant, and you didnt care, you ran off to yugoslavia none the wiser. But I. I never forgot the injustice my mother suffered. nobody wanted a pregnant hooker. well...besides the weird old guys. BUT thats beside the point. you ruined her life, and i grew up hating you ever since. training myself for this moment. to finally kill you."

"But luka didnt know. luka sorry"

"SORRY? i spent 16 years listening to my mom get fucked by half the men in the wirld. and you say sorry? i had to scrape cum off everything i owned after her daily orgys, i spent 5 years thinking orgasm was a pet. Im so glad i killed your precious doll now"

"you...kill...Jimmothy? luka sobbed

"YES...ARE YOU PROUD OF ME NOW...DADDY"

"LUKA NOT YOUR DADDY, LUKA. IS.. ANGRY"

"Yes father, come at me. I Axel, son of Whore shall kill you." with that, the red haired man pulled out his long white thing. its girth impossible to ignore. its massive length, and strong shaft ended with a jagged piece. "this keyblade with its magic power of keys shall shut and lock the door known as your face, when I kick your ass. ahahahaha"

axel swung at luka, who blocked with his sword, metal rubbed against metal. "RAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWRRRRRRR UWU" LUKA ENRAGED. his muscles bulging powerfully as he parried the sword, and slashed back, missing the nimble red boy. back and forth the fight raged, swords slashing the air. light cuts etching the bodies of both the fighters. unable to land any mortal wound, perfectly matched. luka was shocked "how thin red boy so strong" axel slammed luka hard, knocking him away "I had to clean up the house between orgies, some of those...things she laid with werent even men, and i had to carry them out anyway. the rage I felt each day molded me. made me to be what I am today. your pathetic daddy issues wont enrage you enough to beat me...daddy"

Luka paused. he was right, his rage had been subsiding ever since he murdered his family. think luka. think deep within you.

"too late ahahha" luka deep in thought, forgot to block and tried to dodge, a deep cut nearly hot bone before he dodged. "grr..raaa..." luka tried to enrage, but it wasnt working.

"give up daddy. and let me penetrate you once and for all."

axel stabbed forward. his whole body straining as he stabbed into lukas moist quivering body.

or so he thought.

luka caught the keyblade, straining lightly as he stopped the mortal blow.

"no...impossible" axel yelled, "your rage is down. how could you possibly stop me."

luka didnt respond. his eyes closed. a light covered his body.

"no..impossible" acel screamed, the light grew and blinded him. "nnooooo"

the light exploded. a shockwave shook the arena. knocking axel to the ground

luka stood there, silent. staring at his hands, and then his chest. where a faint energy collected, forming an adidas symbol.

"haaaah...so...strong" luka shouted. the light surrounding him faded, but his body still kept the golden glow. each muscle firmly shined and glowing. his hair stood up, glowing faintly yellow

"it cannot be...could this be...the legendary super serbian?" axel coughed up some blood. in awe and fear. "no...NO. I WONT LOSE" axel teleported behind luka, stabbing towards his vulnerable back sadistically.

luke slowly turned. his fist glowing as he punched. axel felt like he was moving in slow motion. and watched the fist closing in on him

"Super serbian arts...Vodka punch"

the fist landed, axel felt nothing. until suddenly a blinding flash exploded. his body ragdolling into a wall. an imprint of a vodka bottle caving in his chest. the keyblade was knocked into the sky. falling perfectly into lukas outstretched arm.

"its over.." luka panted. the glow faded, leaving luka in a normal state.

"Luka sorry...son" he cried..eyes sweating as his sons dead body faded away, leaving behind a note.

"Nooooo my son, he paper on the floor."

luka irrationally cried, picking up the note. "daddy you may have beat me this time, but i will return and kill you" LUKA SON DEAD, AND NOTE TEASE LUKA AHAHHHHHHHHH" Luka tore up the note. he got to his feet. unsteadily and walked towards the exit. exiting the deadly place he had been stuck in. above. birds chirping. a rainbow crosses the sky. and luka looks to the sunrise.

"Time to meet my sons mother"


	6. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

Luka cant read this one

Luka stood above the abyss staring down, the abyss averted its gaze as the angry serbian glared down its quivering holes, it angered luka, it reminded luka of the old days. when luka wasnt a barbarian. when luka was just...luka Back before he wole to his rage. his eyes misted over with rage, and he thought back to the long ago. the true true and the great sundering that shook a country. he sighed. in pain? in regret?

Serbia 20 years ago

Luka sat in his room, zipping up a duffel bag, putting on a trench coat and fingerless gloves. Today was the day. years of abuse. being screamed at. laughed at, bullied, today was the day he got his revenge. he walks out, his family ignoring him as always he walked down the street. passerby rolling their eyes at his fedora. the uncultured swine. he trudged down to the building, a nightclub. the club was roaring. people dancing screaming in joy. luka pushed his way in. and the club went silent.

"OOOOOH LUKA STOP CRYING AHAHAHAHAHHA" the crowd laughed. they sneered at him, posters of luka crying hung on the walls, the humiliation he suffered here, the fanciest night club in all of serbia, Channel 10. unfamiliar faces stared at him, mocking him. his eyes started to mist up.

"LOOK LUKA IS GONNA CRY QUICK EVERYONE GET PICTURES AHAHAA"

above, on the second floor stood the mastermind, the great evil. the one who kept attacking him each time he tried to make them stop. its shadow slunk back to its office. and luka paused. "no" he thought. "this time. I need to get my revenge" luka was being stared at as he reached into the duffel bag and pulled out a boombox. people started giggling at his barbie pink boombox he stole from his sister. he pressed play.

"aaaall the other kids with the pumped up kicks better run better run outrun my gun." Pumped up kicks started blaring from the boombox as luka took the other objects from his duffel bag, an Ak-47, and an american made AR-15 with a bump stock capable of firing 10,000 rounds per minute and loaded with a magazine of over 20,000 rounds. luka started to hum along and screams filled the club as luka began taking down the staff, "BOOMBOOMBOOM RATTATATATATATA" his gunshots filled the air as he massacred the clubgoers, shooting the bouncers as he trudged towards the stairs. his real target was upstairs. he passed private rooms, pausing to toss grenades as he passed. police sirens wailed as luka started forward, a literal god of death. he ascended the stairs dropping his guns barrels white hot and melting and pulled his sidearm, a makarov. the gun of the people, still freshly wet from when luka gave it a kiss as is enforced legally by serbia.

Luka opened the door slowly, creaking as it revealed the mastermind within. "mwahahahaha...foolish little serbian. you think your crybaby ass can stop me?" the mastermind swiveled in its chair...revealing...a 6ft tall penguin holding a glass of wine in its flipper

"Welcome to my lair luka. Do know that I allowed you in. because...you cannot hurt me."

luka raises his makarov "YES I CAN" he fires 3 times. the bullets hit the penguin, then bounce off. "n..n..no. impossible" luka cried "makarov boolets kill everything"

Penguin dusts off her smudged tuxedo and grins "you are but a mere mortal human, I am eons. I am eternal. I am the grand druid. and you are a weak, little, pussy, bitch, ass, crybaby. so you killed some little customers, im alive. and you can never kill me"

luka stood tall, pulling out his patented kebab remover 9001 katana "I wont cry anymore." luka cried. tears streaming down his face he charged the druid queen. sword slashing down on the wildshaped druids flipper, *CLANG* *CLAAAANG* the sword bounced off as penguin blocked. he rolled. dodging a peck, he rolled again dodging her gunshots. he roars, voice cracking as he hits puberty and pierces her cheek slightly. she glares at luka, backflippering his face and breaking every bone in his body from its massive power.

penguin glanced at luka. his broken form shuddering with tears. "perfect" she thought "now I can get back to important things like ruling with an iron fist. and executing that traitor vladimer putin ahahahah" suddenly and with great timing, the walls of the club started to shake. a swat team broke through the ceiling screaming "FBI DONT MOVE" penguin dropped her wineglass "what" she started, but out of nowhere a chiseled ruff man riding a grizzly bear jumped through the ceiling "ahh. ms. penguin. I see you havent aged at bit" vladimer putin himself sat before her, his grizzly bear growled at her. "vlad...I shouldve killed you when I had a chance" penguin snarled as she drew a sword she lunged for the putin. he laughed, drawing a massive battleaxe from the bears back. "You foolish bird. you think you can stand before the greatest barbarian to live? I the putin?" he laughed and slammed down, axe cutting the sword to pieces, he kicks penguin away. and scoops up luka. "unfortunately Im not here for you flipper legs, this boy cant die here. so. toodles" vladimer snapped his fingers. his men saluted as he walked out. each pulling out detonators. the grizzly bear pulled one out as well. "all hail vladimer Putin" they screamed, activating the detonators and blowing up the club.

luka woke up from his stupor and saw vladimer putin holding him "no worries little one, just call me dadimer putin from now on.

20 years later

Luka sat talking to the abyss, "and that when luka become barbarian and kill dumb people and stuff. soon luka get revenge on the penguin. and then luka find god king putin. and become better than him"

luka killed the abyss and walked away. time to find a new adventure.


	7. Chapter 10

"help me, please someone help me" the cries for help echoed through the forest. Mist rolled through, obscuring the view of those who would trudge through its dark depths. a shadow flickered as it charged, unwilling to slow down. but unable to see where it was headed. the sirens call drawing it ever deeper into the forest. the shadow drew near to the voice. its call never wavering as it cried out for help. "Please. someone help me. I need help." the voice was growing fainter. weaker. With a roar, the shadow burst from the forest, into a large clearing. above sat a large tower. hundreds of feet tall, at the top a single window from which a fluttering pink ribbon could be seen. the shadow got to its feet, the mist started to clear, revealing the well toned oiled abs of a barbarian. "Finally found you" Luka said, staring up at the ribbon. "BE NOT SCARED PRETTY LADY. LULA HERE TO SAVE YOU" Luka ran for the door, its heavy lock no match for a barbarian with powerful muscles. and 10 fingers of powerful thrusting. he made quick work of the lock and forced his way inside the tower. unknown to him, a sign laid in the bushes below. The holy tower of the cleric formerly known as...the sign was too worn. the last word faded away. no clue for anyone who saw it.

Luka stomped across the entryway, muscles bulging. eyes bugging out of his head.

"It too dark." luka grumbled to himself faint shadows danced around him just out of reach "Who There, No come any closer to luka, LUKA HAVE A KNIFE" no response. luka started to sweat, a strange cold sweat. the kind cowards have when luka thrust inside them with his massive sword. "n..no" luka stanmered "LUKA NO AM AFRAID OF ANYTHING" His words echoed throughout the halls. "LUKA AM AFRAID...afraid...afraid" his words echoed back at him taunting him with each repeated syllable. just as luka was trying to figure out how to stab sound the torches around the room suddenly lit up. A strange old woman stood there gnarled fingers clutching a book. "GAAHHHH PUTIN CHRIST" luka jumped slashing wildly at the creature. "ehe ehe ehe ehe, that wont work on me sunny boy" the crone cackled. her voice like someone who smoked charcoal her whole life. True to her word. Lukas sword merely went through her. "HA, Luka no empty brain, you a hollow gram" the crone grimaced "no boy. im a ghost. im dead you see" "no. ghost no real, obviously hallow man with sensors." luka disregarded the crone and looked for the stairs "luka look for stairs, you help luka find stairs and luka let you go" the crone frowned. who would ignore her. she was a proud ghost, a spooky scary monster. and he ignored her. pride wounded the crone crept up on luka holding up her book "Mr.Luka, what are you afraid of?" luka scoffed "Nothing. luka am fearless barbarian. dummy mellow ham" the crone cackled. the torches extinguished. luka turned to stare, the ghost slightly glowing held up her book. "foolish barbarian. all fear something. and now you will be trapped UNTIL YOU DIE FROM THEM EHEHEHEHHEHEHE" the book shone with a dark light, its darkness envelopped luka and he fell down a seemingly endless abyss.

the crone collapsed, ectoplasm dripping. "i guess...he made me one moist granny"

"luka..."

"LUKAA"

"LUKA WAKE UP"

Luka jolted awake, eyes bleary, body heavy

he looked around. he was in a building surrounded by people

"Finally awake, good, pay attention in class luka, come up and answer this question"

luka turned, the old crone was talking to him, in front of a chalkboard. strange symbols littered it. he slowly walked to the board, his head hurt, but luka realised he was in school

"now luka answer the problem on the board" the crone handed luka a piece of chalk

Luka groaned inwardly as he remembered something from his past. "Luka cant answer problem. Luka not wizard" the class burst out laughing guffaws and snorts filled the room "hey look luka peed himself" luka looked down. he was wearing clothes. and. warm liquid dripped down them "N...No Luka no pee on self. ITS A MISTAKE" the children gathered around. chanting at him "Luka peed his paaants LULA PEED HIS PANTS, LUUKAAA PEED HIS PAAAAANNNTTSSS the words followed him, burrowed deep within. and he felt more liquid in his eye sockets

"Luka am strong" he blubbered. luka turned and ran out of the classroom he heard a tearing sound and suddenly he wasnt in a classroom, he was in a car. a big one, filled with serious looking men across from him a shadowy figure spoke "ah. finally awake son. thats good. I was afraid you would miss all the fun." the shadowy man chuckled "my son. I took you in when nobody else would. and you repay this kindness by disobeying me, by lying to me? you little ingrateful brat. I wish I had never saved you. YOU little BRAT" The voice screamed. luka felt lost, a piece of him slowly stopped resisting tears streamed down his face. "no throw luka away. luka change. luka fix it now" luka scrambled for the door, the men tried restraining him, hitting him, laughing as he struggled. the shadowy man moved into the light "BUT YOU ARENT AFRAID RIGHT" Luka screamed and the door opened. throwing him into the abyss. "tsk tsk. a pity, maybe next time he'll die" the crone stared out of the car. watching as luka fell out of view.

"AAAHHHHHH..." luka fell, obviously, and he fell for quite a long time. how long? very long. so very long that I ran out of ways to easily describe how long it took for him to fall. until eventually luka finally hit the ground.

"urggh..." luka groaned, opening his eyes.

a leathery hide covered in boils stared back at him. yellow eyes and a foul oder assailed his nose "GRUAUGUSUHSHAI" Translation "holy fucking christ you look so ugly fuck"

the crone snorted " welcome back, i take it you enjoyed your deepest darkest fears?"

the crone cackled as luka trembled, the fresh wounds on his psyche not yet healed

"it was easy too, a young little boy like you. scared of everything" the crone yammered on, voice rising steadily. lukas temple throbbed with rage. quickly burying his new fear deep within "a kid in underwear tried to kill poor little ghosty me" his face scowled his teeth gritted "my beauty shouldve enchanted you. i guess you dont know real beauty" his sword left the scabbard

"and yet, you make me so god damned MOOOOIST" The crone moaned. seductivly trying to pull luka closer. lukas sword wilted, limply hanging like a dead plant. "NO" Luka roared, his rage breaking into a million shards of hate "no" he slashed her "NO" HE STABBED HER "FUCK. NO NO NO" he slammed the sword into her ectoplasm, reducing her to a pool of soupy liquid " NO" he kept slashing her, peak rage keeping him occupied "No No No No No No ew ew ew ew ew eeeeeewwwwwww" he stopped finally, grossed out. mentally blocking all images from his mind, the ectoplasm dissipated and the room returned to normal, though it was covered in sword slashes. "no" luka whispered a final time. before slowly trudging up the stairs now revealed by the crones death. "that...that was bad" luka sighed, putin help him if this tower gets any worse.


	8. Chapter Wun Wun

Luka trudged his way up the stairs, his bulging rippling muscles filled with power and impossible to restrain rage. His eyes glowed bright with his barbarian might, his hair, flowing in the breeze even though he was indoors. his nipples stood erect, dark brown. powerfully chiseled as if from granite, each movement caused them to cut through the air like a powerful spear. there was a chill. his loincloth restrained his hidden weapon, that no woman would ever touch again. it guarded his loins, his loinguard as he liked to call it. on his back was nothing.

"OH PUTIN FUCK" luka stopped and slapped his face. He forgot his weapon on the previous floor. his stupidity rose, crushing his feeble rage from warming him up he stood. on the stairs, his mind befuddled..

Luka shrugged

"oh well"

He continued up the stairs, his mind distracted, after what seemed like exactly 214 steps he reached a landing.

"luka know basic math, dont judge luka" he said aloud. as if feeling a presence asking questions.

upon the landing luka was shocked to read a sign, its contents...were disturbing

Ducks can and will commit rape*

"Luka...shocked...not disturbed"

his Serbian upbringing has exposed him to many animal orgies at the brothels after all.

he passed the sign, but another sign appeared, even more disturbing, almost...shocking

Duck penises are corkscrewed barbed monstrosities*

"but...yes. ok luka weirded out now"

luka ran past the sign, but yet another one appeared

ducks are always watching*

"luka done now, luka want out"

luka turned back towards where he came, an endless black abyss stared back

"...quack" a sound echoed from the darkness

a cold sweat began to run down lukas nipples

"l...luka gonna leave, luka not scared luka strong" he told himself, as he started running past signs

Duck penises are shaped to scrape out competing ducks sperm*

Male Ducks are all necrophiles*

Ducks have no sphincter, they shit as they consume*

Ducks will eat bird meat, consume and feed*

the Duck will find you, he will ride you*

Duck*

luka kept running, tears streaming down his chiseled abs and soaking into his loincloth

"Luka done. luka go home now" his terror filled mind was near its limit. never in his life had he ever experienced something so evil, so tragic, so unbelievably wrong.

he ran through the halls until he reached a dead end, a door, made of solid stone, designed by incredi- *FUCKING BLAM* the door blasted off its hinge. as luka ran through, his panicked mind racing. he was in a large room. across the way was an elevator, his adrenaline slowed down time as he stood there. panting, gasping for air as he dried his tears. he started to walk towards the elevator, the weird shit was over.

ding*

the elevator doors slowly opened. a single webbed foot stepped out. followed by a second one.

"Qonk"

luka stood there, frozen. a gigantic duck stood before him. above its head, a sign, *untitled duck moment, its soulless eyes laughing at him, its erection obviously visible from beneath him its corkscrew shape throbbing with intent as it dragged its schlong across the floor, feet slapping the ground as it slowly walked towards Luka.

Luka quickly looked around. no weapons, no furniture. nothing, NOTHING.

luka cracked his knuckles, time for a dirty duck fight.

"FOR PUTIN" luka cried and he charged the untitled duck

he swung his mighty fist and slammed the ducks chest, his fist brushing deep into the ducks feathers, remarkably soft, but impenetrable

"qonk qonk" the duck leered, as if hearing the narrator say impenetrable as it slapped luka with..uh...its...well...

*slap*

"LUKA KNOW YOU NO SLAP WITH WING, YOU DUMB BIRD"

Luka jumped at the duck again, ducking the duck...heh. get it...

His fist impacted the ducks mighty face. and his fist punched the duck with its own face. his fist face.

the duck reeled, its erection flopping around as it regained it's balance.

Luka pressed the attack. preparing to unleash a flurry of blows

"Qonk"

the ducks eyes glinted. and he twirled around spinning his body and thrusting mightily into lukas arm to unbalance him

*Wet whistling through the air noise*

the world stopped. the duck stopped, luka stopped, existence stopped. the narrator stopped.

'My son. It is time. You cannot allow this duck, to slap you with his erection. You must listen. for time is short. for you. You must concentrate. Focus hard, focus your energy, you must erect your power into your hand. and you must control it. keep it hard, long, and stiff. if you believe hard enough. an item should be made. to allow you. to draw your weapon. Now think Luka, THINK AND STOP THIS DUCK FROM COCK SLAPPING YOU ACROSS THE MOUTH WITH HIS TURGID THROBBING COCK, YOU'LL NEVER GET THE SMELL OF SHAME, AND DUCK DICK CHEESE OUR OF YOUR LOINCLOTH FAREWELL, AND GOOD LUCK.

luka felt the world start to move. the ducks pixelated member slowly whipped towards his face, but he could see, in the ducks eyes was a gleam of lust that told him that it was gonna find its way into his virgin luka hole and it wouldn't be gentle

he focused. his brain started to smoke, sending out a cloud of acrid smoke as he held his hands in front of himself. he thought about what he needed his hands started to fill with energy, slowly getting longer. too slow

"too slow, LUKA NEED NOW"

He began to shake his hands. pulling and tugging on his energy with both hands. teasing it to full size vigorously.

"faster, faster how faster"

luka thought of putin, his face telling him what to do

"oh putin. yes"

luka stroked harder, feeling the energy get harder, getting stronger. getting so throbbingly hard, he couldnt hold it anymore.

"Luka, DONE WITH YOU DUCK, YOU NO TOUCH" Luka began to monologue

time stopped slowing

"YOU WILL NOT TOUCH LUKA, LUKA WILL WIN. LUKA WILL STOP YOU." he continued his monologue

"The power of putin shall smite you down, you cannot withstand lukas power, it overthrow you, IT STRONGER THAN YOU" the monologue kept going too long

"YOU WILL DIE DU-Urk"

*SCKWALLOP SQUISH*

the ducks corkscrew penis twirled itself into lukas face, leaving a wet stain on his mouth

"EWWWWWWWW" Luka screamed. his face sticky, his energy charged, somehow he felt weird, like maybe it wasnt a bad feeling?

"no. bad luka brain" luka thought, as he unloaded his energy

a gleaming sword of light emerged, and he quickly sheathed it. the energy and its sheath made of energy faded away into nothing

"Nothing personnel duck" luka whispered

the duck raised its body. erection throbbing

"Q...QUACK?"

the duck paused. its body slowly getting cut, and falling into a pile of gore and feathers

luka wiped his face

"Luka smell like shame"

he shook his head. there would be time to unpack that later

"Quack?"

luka froze. turning around. a duck. no. a group of ducks...no...a literal army of ducks stood there, in the doorway. tiny, normal duck sized. but each of them packing heat thst would make a horse cry

"Quack"

the horde agreed

luka ran into the elevator and started mashing buttons

"no no no no luka say no close door close no no"

luka panicked as he heard the sounds of a thousand wet slapping noises invade his mind

"nope luka done"

luka snapped, punching a hole in the elevator, he continued punching until he revealed piping in the wall

"Nope"

luka broke off a pipe. steam filled the elevator and the ducks waited outside the steam

"Luka"

"mad"

a voice in the steam said

"quack?" a duck quacked quackingly

"PUUUUUUUUUUUTINNNNNNNN"

A battlecry echoed

the ducks prepared for combat

*ding*

the doors closed

the elevator left

the ducks stand there silently

"Quack?"


End file.
